Dad Jokes

Go ahead and laugh it up Dylan, but there’s nothin funny about my disability!!!!!

Billy takes her dog, Buddy to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Wow azz… I dont… How could… Just wow..

I am getting better with age

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is a ventriloquist.”

Quick Thinking Azz
One evening Azz decided to go down to the Tambo River at the bottom of Chill Hill, as he hadnt been down there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a 10ltr bucket to bring back some black berries that grow by the water. As he neared the river, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of fine women, that had been on a local wine tour, skinny dipping in the river. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went out to deeper water. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!“Azz frowned “I didn’t come down to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the river naked.: Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the local croc!”

BOOM

Mizu was busy at work, posting on ski.com.au , boardworld.com.au &  baddadjokes.com when another worker asked him “How long have you been working here?”
Mizu replies
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

BOOM TISH

Now that was terrible!!!!!

Tambo & McAzz were walking along a street in Bairnsdale!!!!!
McAzz looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye!!!!!
The sign read, “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair”!!!!!
McAzz said to Tambo, “Look at the prices!!!!! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Chill Hill we could make a fortune!!!!!
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay????? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us, so I’ll put on my best Bairnsdalian accent”!!!!!
“OK McAzz, I’ll keep me mouth shut” said Tambo!!!!!
They go in and McAzz said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man, I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up the Amarok ready to load them on, old chap!!!!!
The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Chill Hill, aren’t you?????”
“Well yes,” said a surprised McAzz. “What gave it away?????”
The owner replied, “This is a Dry-Cleaners….....” !!!!!

Hahahahahaha

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Woolworths.

Just found this thread, It’s full of gold
just thought I’d post one of my favourites (from reddit’s r/dadjokes)

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.
I finished opening it and said ‘oh man, it’s a radio - mum must really hate me’ to which another student replied ‘I know, it’s not even a ham radio…’

A Jez the jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer, Deano meets him before the race and says,

“All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine”.

Jez thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. Jez ignores the Deano’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. Jez, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens—the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, Jez thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

Deano is fuming and asks Jez what went wrong. Jez replies,

“Nothing is wrong with me—it’s this bloody horse. What is he—deaf or something?”

Deano replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf—he’s BLIND!”