Dad Jokes
“How did school go today? Jez’s Mum asked Little Jez.
“Fine” Little Jez replied.
“We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”.
What did she say?” his mother asked.
“The teacher said, “Thank goodness”
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’
‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon?
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Great food but no Atmosphere.
Bidda Bidda Boom 
Wow…......
A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, “Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs.”
The elder reluctantly said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, “Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”. Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want….............on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?”
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs…... “YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!”
A nose walks into a bar, and the barman says “I can’t serve you. You’re off your face.”
:boomtish:
A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, “Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs.”
The elder reluctantly said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, “Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”. Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want….............on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?”
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs…... “YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!”
Hahahaha, thats a good one Azz
A nose walks into a bar, and the barman says “I can’t serve you. You’re off your face.”
:boomtish:
Was that Warren Chapsticks nose by any chance??
Electric Fence
Thought y’all should read this in case you’re thinking of installing an electric fence! We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time.. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back . It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm-a-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die…pleeeeze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop & pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted *** ape now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Hahaha electric fences have got the best of me a few times on my cousins farm in Bargo!
Mizu was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Mizu decided to invest his money in a small, but growing snowboard business called Bear Bro (Snow)Boards. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Mizu asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Mizu got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Mizu again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Mizu was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Mizu was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”