Dad Jokes

Two roofers, Warren Chapstick and Fast Eddie were on the roof screwing down tin, when a sudden wind gust came and knocked down their ladder.
“I have an idea” said Eddie.
“We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”
“What, do you thing, I’m stupid?”
“I have and idea” said Warren.
“I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”
“What, do you think I’m stupid?” said Eddie
“You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”

^^^

One of the toddlers in the Intensive Care Unit is playing with his stuffed toy donkey.
ICU baby, shakin’ dat ass.

^^^

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
“Mom ” said the boy, “what are all these women doing? “
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replies.
The taxi driver turns around and says, ” Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth ? They’re hookers, boy ! They have sex with men for money. “
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, ” Is that true mom? “
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become taxi drivers,” she said.

An obnoxiously drunk Mrs Mizu stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, “No way lady you’re too drunk.”

A few minutes later the Mrs Mizu comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, “give me a drink”, bartender says “No lady I told you last time you’re too drunk”

Five minutes later Mrs Mizu comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”

Mrs Mizu scratches his head and says “Damn I must be… the last two places said the same thing.”

After the other week maybe you should change the story to Mrs Mizu!!! hahaha

Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playin’ in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a
‘tragedy.’

‘Incorrect,’ said Gillard. ‘That would be an ‘accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a ‘tragedy.’

‘I’m afraid not’, explained Gillard, ‘that’s what we would refer to as a ‘great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.

‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a ‘tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

‘If a plane carrying you and Mr Rudd and Mr Swan and Mr Garrett was struck by a

‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a ‘tragedy.’

‘Fantastic’! exclaimed Gillard, ‘and can you tell me why that would be a ‘tragedy?’

‘Well’, said Johnny, ‘it has to be a ‘tragedy’, because it certainly wouldn’t
be a ‘great loss’, and it probably wouldn’t be a freaking ‘accident’ either!’

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Fast Eddie.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Fast Eddie says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream.
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

SOMETHING TO DO IN RETIREMENT

Working people frequently ask retired people what
They do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I
Went into town and visited a shop. When we came out,
there was a Parking Inspector writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on,
How about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a—hole . He glared at me and started
Writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Barb called him a s—t head. He finished the
Second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
And went home. We weren’t too concerned about the
vehicle’s owner because of the sticker on the back window
“I support the Labor Party”.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
It’s important at our age.

Fast Eddie & Mrs Eddie were making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child.
After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped Mrs Eddie’s stomach with indelible ink.
Fast Eddie thought to himself, what the F@#k is the stamp for, so when they got home, Fast Eddie took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was.
In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

Which day of the week do fish hate?.......

Fry-Day

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I’ll pay that Mr Dragon