Dad Jokes

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Is this some kind of bloody joke?”

Q: How do you know if you’re a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids.

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, “Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me”
“Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me.”
“Oh yes, Bruce” she says.
“Then, came home, couldn’t get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm.”
“Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says.
“The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me.”
“Oh yes, Bruce,”
“Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you’re still with me.”
“Yes Bruce.”
“Shirl.”
“Yes, Bruce?”
“You’re bloody bad luck”

1) Why wasn’t Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

2) What’s an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?

3) What’s a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

4) What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

5) Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

6) What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,“Someone should go and tell his wife.” Macca says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,“Where did you get that, Macca?”
“Chook’s missus gave it to me.” “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?” Macca says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Chook`s widow.”
She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”
And I said, “Wanna bet me a slab”

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to, ” she replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I’ve rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!”
“I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison do its work.”

A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf..”

knock knock

who’s there

oddley hee

oddley hee who

I didn’t know you could yodel!

2 Fish swim into a wall, what did the first fish say?

Dam!

some real crack ups here, keep em coming guys

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”

“No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

Teacher to a student: “Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?”

“Yes, sir! I’d put all the men on one island and the women on another.”

“And what would they be doing then?”

“Building boats!”

You guys would have a roarin’ trade Azz!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

“‘Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”