Dad Jokes

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”

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Lol someone put that up on a fridge at my work

It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?”—and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies, I don?t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”

Being a ‘Kind Hearted Scotsman’, he thought, “What the heck…, I’ll treat her!”

So, they walked past it again…

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller’s president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn’t you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren’t having a beer neither will I.

^^ 

I was going to write a joke about a blunt pencil.. but there was no point.

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wow I haven’t heard an actual joke for ages.  These days it’s all cats falling in blenders on youtube.

Ok here’s one my dad told me.  Warning to religious nutbags - contains blasphemy.

A pilot goes in for a routine eye check.  The doctor quickly concludes the pilot is virtually blind.
Doctor: “How have you managed to fly a jumbo jet in this condition?”
Pilot: “Oh it’s easy - I use the Jesus Christ method.”
Doctor: “What’s that?”
Pilot: “When we’re coming in to land, I just point the nose of the plane down until the co-pilot yells out ‘JESUS CHRIST!!!’ then I pull back a bit.”